Modern life is rubbish

Technology hates me, and this is a fact. When I'm around something remotely electronic, it fizzles out and dies without even a hint of an internal error. In the last three years I've broken three television sets, two computer monitors, two phones, two cameras (although I suspect a friend sat on one and didn't own up)and an ipod within three months of having it. It makes my life seem even more pathetic, that I'm so awful to be around even non senitent beings would rather top themselves that hang out with me.

Trouble is I love technology, my Ipod touch is the greatest possession I have. I can read emails, watch youtube, make to do lists, write poetry, navigate through the star system, look at a map, play a fuck load of games...oh and listen to music. I also love my pc and all those unproductive hours searching wiki for interesting articles or watching tv online. Everything can be done with such ease. Unfortunately, with ease comes a newly developed ignorance of basic human interaction.

I've been in correspondance with an investigation team and have done some voluntary research work for the team. Trouble is the 'manager' is a complete moron who despite sounding coherant on the telephone, cannot write for shit. Oh it just aggravates me to no end reading his poxy, idiot infested emails. It's a puddle of words, jumbled up, repeated, spewed out in bad grammar, lack of paragraphing and no punctuation except a full stop where a full stop has no right to be. The man thinks 'no' is the same as 'know'and I don't think I could ever trust a grown man who spells television as'telivision'. He also had the rudeness to reply to one of my subtle please-stop-writing-like-a-coma-patient emails by sending everything I wrote back, only inserting large angry capital lettering in between, insinuating (if I knows what that is) that I was the dumbass!

I don't like the way technology governs our lives. If someone my age doesn't get a text all day, they assume something awful has happened. I dislike having a phone a lot of the time, it means I never have an excuse to call back or have a day free of pestering relatives or sales calls. I hate how mobile phone adverts always show some poncy git in a blazer with a bumfluff beard being all 'social' because his phone has video messaging, twitter and facebook. It's like you are not allowed to walk out your house without being a networking whore. Are we so devoid of internal thought that we must never ever be alone? I just don't understand why people need Facebook on their mobile, I've known people who I've gone for a night out with, and no matter how brilliant or awful it was, they rush home to check their Facebook like a mother who's just realised they left their baby in a park.

I admit I use Facebook, and Twitter, and Livejournal, but only ever to connect with friends and gloat about my life. If you are at a party and you update 'lol I'm at a party, and it's fucking nuts!' you are probably the one standing alone in a corner or checking out your rubbish hair in the mirror.

I'm not a big fan of Satelite TV. Unfortunately as is the case anywhere you look, he more choice you are given, the more faff you have the wade through. Sky TV is brilliant if you enjoy watching endless repeats of American TV or excessively dull reality TV and documentaries. Or maybe just watching roulette wheels go round and round, or chubby dog-eared lap dancers' bottoms go round and round, whatever flots your proverbial boat. As mentioned in my previous moan, English television is a bore, but sometimes the boringness of a show i.e Big Brother is so boring it sucks you in, like when you stick your foot under the hot tap and eventually it feels cold.

Technology is wonderful, the internet in particular. It lets irritating, grumpy people like me go on and go about their thoughts, much to the pleasure of their audience and what can be wrong with that?

Going Postal

As part of an ongoing Pratchett Project, Sky One presented a live action television series of Terry Pratchett's 'Going Postal'. Previous Discworld stories that were retold in crisp high definition movies were 'Hogfather' and 'The Colour of Magic' but somehow they didn't quite portray the subtle humour and rehashed satirical stabs at English culture featured heavily in Pratchett's written work.

Going Postal is the story of a young conman, Moist Von Lipwig who not only has the most ridiculous name in English literature but is one of the best fraudsters and pickpocketers in the Discworld. However his luck begins to run out as he is linked to a huge banking scam and ends his criminal life hanging on the end of a noose. This wasn't the end for Lipwig, who escapes just an inch of his life and is taken in by statesman Lord Vetinari who gives him the ultimate choice: death by deep pit, or save the Post Office. Lipwig not quite ready to give up on life takes the latter, but it takes more than a few preforated stamps to restore the post office in the city of Ankh-Morpork.

Lipwig is played by Richard Coyle who makes a welcome return to television after gaining recognition as the daft Welshman Jeff in Coupling over a decade ago. Coyle at 38 is perhaps a little too old to play Lipwig, but he carries the character off with great energy and vigour so in some shots you would mistake him as a twenty somthing. Other than the relatively unknown Claire Foy as spiky love rival Adorabelle Dearheart, the cast is a plethora of disguished English Actors; David Suchet as diabolical frontman of the clacks (Discworld instant messaging with lights and things) Charles Dance as Veternari and a surprising appearance by Andrew Sachs as crusty postman Mr Groats.

I can't pick fault with sets on the series, every detail of the streets of Ankh-Morpork are beautifully crafted. Sure, it doesn't look like a real town, but the point is to make it as quirky and reminscient of 'Ye Olde Englande' as much as possible. There is also a lack of special effects, only when absolutely necessary which is a relief to see. A favourite aspect of this mini series is the portrayal of the Golem. Taken straight out of Jewish folklore, the Golems are clay based humanoids who can be 'employed' to do work for people in the city, but they prove to be faithful, morally righteous creatures who don't mind doing a bit of hard work. Lipwig is watched by golem 'Pump 19' or 'Mister Pump' who protects him from death and makes sure he doesn't scarper under Veternari's orders. I really loved the look of the Golems in the series, a simple case of putting men in large bulky costumes and walking heavy footed around the city. Who needs CGI?

Despite the great cast and fantastic scenery of Going Postal, it just doesn't have the comedic effect of the novel itself. The writers with the help of Pratchett himself have portrayed the main plotline faithfully, but it made the adaptation more of a period drama than a satrical stab at our own mundane lives. In fact, forgetting the presence of the golems and the odd appearance of Ridcully from the Unseen University, you would forget that the story is set in the fantasy realm of Discworld. Perhaps without all the little in jokes the writers are trying to appeal to a larger audience, which is obvious enough but I felt there wasn't much of a nod to the fans, except a cameo of Mr Pratchett himself at the end.

The series, although only in two episodes was far too lengthy and didn't have enough backbone to make the second half in particular, a riveting affair. I think the problem is not in the acting, writing and directing, it's just one of those literary genres that isn't easy to show in a different medium. Comedy is a bugger to bounce from written word to dialogue so I will still take off my overly large crooked wizard hat to the makers of Going Postal.

Psychic Night

This was a feature that I wrote for January's edition of the Maldon and Burnham Standard, covering a psychic fair which was the first of its kind to be held.


Being in a room of psychics and spiritual healers would deter most people, but it takes a lot to scare me.

It’s all too easy to snub the work of clairvoyants, healers and alternative therapists as money making schemes.

We have seen the likes of Derek Acorah and Colin Fry, who have become celebrities in their own right, publishing autobiographies and how-to books and appearing in TV shows, but how are these spiritual therapists helping us improve our own lives?

I went to Afternoon for a Change event in Maldon's Town Hall which offered a number of relaxation workshops and demonstrations to help “ease body and mind“.

For a reasonably-priced £8 entry, you could get tarot card readings, massage, reiki healing and much much more, with all the proceeds going to Farleigh Hospice.

This was the first time Maldon has seen such an event take place, and organisers Wisdom 36 hope that the evening will be a success in years to come.

Jules Gibson, 44 of Little Baddow is a psychiatric nurse who deals with children with emotional problems. She spent three stressful weeks planning the event and explained why she got involved.

“Since being a qualified psychiatric nurse I've always seen how stress and emotional impact on the body are intrinsically linked,” she said.

Jules, who practices spiritual therapies, is also part of Buddhist Esoteric Meditation Centre in Little Baddow.

“I've always been interested in mediumship, clairvoyance, tarot card reading and meditation, it's always been a big part of my life.”

“London hospitals have now started employing people to be alternative therapists so I think there has been a massive shift in medicine.”

“We can have surgery and treatment, complimentary healing and therapies to help you get better quicker and it is well researched that if your mind and body are in harmony you heal much faster.”

Whether or not you believe in mediumship or holistic health, it seems to benefit many people dealing with emotional trauma.

Ruth Aiken from Mundon, who has been a medium for over 25 years, explained her reasons for becoming a professional clairvoyant.

“I've always been psychic ever since I was a child. What actually got me into professional mediumship was when my husband at the time died suddenly 27 years ago,” she said.

“I had a lot of phenomena happening at that point, so I went to a medium myself to see what was going on, he told me that I would be working as a medium as well, I thought I don't think so, but lo and behold.”

“I wouldn't have it any other way, it's not an easy job to do but you get so much reward from it and helping people through tough times.”


Amelia Altuna, a masseuse from Angel Cottage Holistic, a small family run therapy centre in Chelmsford believes the physical nature of her job helps people with emotional and spiritual blockages.

“There is a satisfaction in helping people, it's non invasive and extremely beneficial to helping the body to get back to a natural state. It also has spiritual functions too,” she said.

Jules believes events like Maldon‘s Afternoon for a Change will help people lead healthier lives, both physically and mentally.

“I think it benefits everyone, no matter if you just want to wander around and have a chat, whether you want massage or meditation that you've always wanted to try but been a bit too scared,” she said.

“You are giving money to charity and have to option to try lots of different things. It's a big win win for everyone.”


Nerissa’s Verdict

I’ve been known to dabble with tarot cards, Buddhist meditation and psychic workshops, but I still remain slightly sceptical about a stranger having the ability to relieve my emotion and stress in a matter of minutes, but I remained open minded nonetheless.

As soon as I walked through the door, Sam Whitwell, a chakra healer from Little Waltham approached me with a pack of cards. I picked one out which read 'follow your true feelings', which seemed a little too vague to hold any meaning for me. Sam offered me a chakra healing, which I happily accepted. She sat me down on a chair and placed her hands a few inches above my head and shoulders.
Admittedly I found it difficult to switch off with the noise and bustle of the room, but after about five minutes I began to feel incredibly relaxed and like my head was floating away from my body. When the session was over, Sam told me I had a lot of activity around my head, no surprise there! And that the spirits “wanted to open me up”. She also told me that I jolted when her hands were near the heart chakra, meaning I had a lot of emotional issues to deal with. Spiritual messages aside, the therapy did make me feel so relaxed that I had trouble keeping my balance as I got up and walked around the room!

The tarot card reading, held by Ruth Aitken was very enlightening. As soon as I sat down, she told me she could see my grandfather next to me, which obviously made me smile. She picked up on a lot of current issues, including my prospects of travelling and publishing a book. This is perhaps not such a revelation, being a journalist after all, but it was quite comforting to be told that my plans for the future will work out as well as I hoped.

My favourite artists of all time

Inspired by the latest Doctor Who episode which featured non other than Vincent Van Gogh, I have decided to share with you my favourite artists of all time and how they have made a great influence on my own work.




William Blake

To some a visionary, to others a over zealous spiritualist, Blake was an early Romanticist who spread his talent over three mediums: painting, poetry and printing. Blake carried a strong, almost anarchic voice throughout his work, a voice disgusted with sexual inequality, slavery and rigid social structures of the time, such as marriage, class and education. Despite Blake's modern outspokeness, he was a devout Christian and his archaic depiction of angels, demons and figures from the Bible reappear again and again in his work. Aesthetically, Blake had an extraordinary talent in watercolours and was able to depict dramatic scenes with body, texture and rhythm in this difficult medium usually associated with the realism movements. Blake's early life as an engraver lent to a blending of mediums, using his engravings to illustrate beautiful hand written copies of his poetry. Perhaps a favourite painting of his has to be 'Pity', and ink and watercolour epic which portrays an angelic rider galloping across a midnight sky, scooping up a baby from his dead mother lying on the ground. The stark contrast of inky blue sky and the luminous bodies show a overwhelming sense of sorrow and mysticism.



Vincent Van Gogh

As mentioned before, Van Gogh is another inspiration of mine, and yet another mad man added to the list. Sadly Van Gogh exists more of a name than a credible artist these days. Recently the press have been filled with new stories of Van Gogh's ear incident, proclaiming that it was Paul Gaugin, fellow artist who cut off said ear in a fight. This of course has little to do with Van Gogh's talents, which should exist on their own. Van Gogh experimented with compositon and technique, but I feel his earlier work inlcuding his Japanese wood prints were too forced and fashionable to create any resonance. 1888 was Van Gogh's penultimate year. An array of quickly created pieces, with looser compositions, heavy textured brushwork and vivid hues lent himself to become the most easily recognised painter of our times. Van Gogh was able to portray the bleakest, most depressing and mundane of scenes such as 'Still Life in Absinthe' and 'At Eternity's Gate'but also create spectacular, beautifully joyous impressions like 'The Starry Night' and 'Road with Cypress and Star' - landscapes turned fantasmagophical through the eyes of manic.



Wassily Kandinsky

I have had the pleasure to see Kandinsky's paintings in the flesh at Tate Modern and they certainly don't disappoint. Russian born Kandinsky formed an alliance other expressionists from Germany to create 'Der Blaue Reiter' (The Blue Rider)group which focused on presenting spiritual truths in their work. The group disbanded following the outbreak of World War I but Kandinksy continued to paint, concentrating now on abstract pieces. Kandinsky named the grandfather of abstract was inspired by music to create large canvases of clashing colour, shapes and squiggles which from afar look improvised, but at closer viewing you can see every shape was perfectly outlined to make this visible ochestra of colour. The childish, simple military theme of'Cossacks' and the complex blendings in 'Composition VII' Show Kandinsky as an experimental artist never afraid of modernity.



Franz Marc

Possibly my favourite artist of all time, Franz Marc's work has inspired my style unlike no other. Marc was another member of Kandinsky's 'Der Blaue Reiter' group and went on to paint some of the most iconic canvasses of the early Expressionism movement. Marc was obsessed with animals and their pure energies and was notable for painting in thick primary colours, limiting his palette to only the necessary colours of life. Blue was the most spiritual colours of all for Marc, and he usually limited this precious colour to the masculine strength of horses, which are predominant in his work. Likewise, it's contrasting colour yellow, was a symbol of spiritual femininity. 'Yellow Cow' painted in 1911 supposedly depicts Marc's joyous matrimony to Maria Franck. Marc's life came to a sudden end with the approach of the First World War. He was labelled a degenerate artist by the Nazis and many of his works were taken from museums in Germany. In 1916 Marc was one of the first Germans to be killed at the Battle of Verdun in France. Perhaps Marc's most poignant pieces is 'Fate of the Animals'painted in 1913 which depicts a number of animals caught in a cataclymsic rush of energies. Marc saw himself saw this piece as a fore-telling of the great war, 'It)is like a premonition of this war - horrible and shattering. I can hardly conceive that I painted it.'

There are so many more artists who I sadly do not have time to mention, but I consider these four the most prominent within my own work. For me the turn of the century, late 1800s, early 20th century was a pivotal moment for art. It was the beginning of modernity as society began to accept art as an expression rather than a two dimensional mirror of our lives. All these painters were revolutionaries in their own rights, and I hope in the future we can more artists who step up to the challenge.

Good tv, bad tv...

I don't understand reality TV, nor do I enjoy it, and believe me I have given it a try. I cannot think of a situation for harrowing than sitting in on a saturday night to watch a has been pop star struggle to force a kangaroo anus down his gullet. I know I'm not the first to say this, but UK television is at a definate low point, and its dragging us down.

Britain's Got Talent; on the exterior a warm, fuzzy hearted programme showcasing ordinary people and their party tricks, reminiscent of a Butlins holiday your grandma will remember. But this is hardly the case, a row of sneering self important C-list celebrities poke and prod their on stage victims, laughing relentlessly at the poor buggers who believed faithfully in their own miniscule talents. Is it their fault they delude themselves in the first place? I was appauled watching the footage of the first Susan Boyle performance, a relatively normal looking, slightly chubby lady walks on stage and immediately gets a bout of jeering and disgusted looks from both the audience and the sickening slimeball judges. Of course attitudes changed as soon as she opened her mouth, and everyone gave themselves a little slap on the wrist for assuming 'ugly' people can't sing, but that was not what upset me. What would have happened if she opened her mouth and the musical equivalent of lumpy blamange fell out? The jeering would have continued, people would shake their heads and call her deluded and pathetic, she would be buzzed off stage without a hint of optimism. I know what I find incredibly pathetic; the constant rehashing and pimping out of shows that should have been washed out last decade.

Sadly with the instant following created out of reality TV and it's considerably smaller budget, most of our dramas have sunk into oblivion. The BBC used to lovlingly create family dramas which were fun, whimiscal and perfectly sewn together. Snigger as much as you want, but the 1995 adaptation of Pride and Prejudice was absolutely brilliant. Sure, a few sexy alterations were made (who's complaining?) but it consisted of a bright, talented cast in some beautiful surroundings. I was only a kid when I used to watch the show, but I loved it because it was a mirror image of my life as a squabbling sibling, only with fancy dresses and lengthy speeches. Although saying this, a decade later the BBC brought Dicken's Bleak House onto our screens; a long winded but complex drama which was faithful in almost every aspect.

Kids shows have changed too. When I was one of these dwarf people about a decade ago, television was magical. The Magicians house, The Queen's Nose,Bernards Watch, Carrie's War. Even the cartoons were sophiscated, like the cruel realism of Animals of Farthing Wood and the social dilemmas faced in Noah's Island. For those of you have never heard of it, it was about a polar bear called Noah who found himself along with a load of other animals shipwrecked on a mysterious island during a zoo transportation. The creatures of all shapes, sizes and intelligence have to survive on the island by diplomacy and team work, as organised by the reluctant leader, Noah. Basically it is Lost, except with animals and structured, credible storylines.

The only programme I truly look forward to watching these days is Doctor Who. The new season with Matt Smith has started off strongly and so far each episode has carried an exciting plot, fantastic backdrops (Venice, Van Gogh's France, civilisations within the core of Earth, war time England to name a few!)And a youthful cast (Matt Smith and Karen Gillan) who have proven themselves to not only fill the shoes of Tenant, but to out do most of the previous regenerations and thier assistants...or so I am told, I'm not a Doctor nerd.

Next time you turn on the television, do everyone a favour and switch over when Big Brother or Wife Swap are on. I believe good television is good for the soul, and I think we need a bit of optimism and positive aspiration in our lives.